Holiday Shopping

I'm sitting here with my boys watching Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian.

The movie is cute (as was the first) and it gives you just enough information on the Smithsonian to really make me want to go there.


I have never been to the capital, much less the Smithsonian. That would be a great trip. I also want to visit the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia... ok, if given the choice I would go to the Mutter first.... come on, who wouldn't want to see the exhibit of Objects Swallowed and Removed or the big colon?

I would wait in line all night to see that... and that brings me to Black Friday


NO! I'm talking Black Friday as in the day after Thanksgiving. The day associated with the official start of the holiday shopping season (tho I think the real start is somewhere around Halloween).

Ever since I got out of the retail business I have loved going out shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I'm up in the wee hours of the morning to first hit the stores who offer their special deals online (hint, Wal-Mart), then I'm off to wait in line. One advantage I have is that I live in a smaller commuinty so I don't have to get in line till around 4am to typically be within the first ten in line (usually within the first 5). The down side is I am limited on what stores are in my area... but that's ok since I do it just for fun!

Yes, I do it simply for the fun of it! Ok, those of you cringing already had better head to the toilet because you may shit your pants when you read the next sentence... I typically have all my shopping done by Thanksgiving.
*Go ahead, if you didn't take my advice and now need to change your pants... the post will still be here when you get back. Unless you have a really crappy dial up connection and someone tries to call in and you don't have it set to turn off call waiting when you are online and it causes your connection to be lost. But, in that case, you not only don't deserve to read on... you also deserve to have crap in your pants*

Seriously... I usually have pretty much everything purchased by about mid November. The Black Friday ads are typically up online (BlackFriday.info) at the beginning of the month if not before, so you can plan ahead. I pick up things as I find them at a special deal (I'm not cheap... I'm frugal) starting mid to late summer. Of course there is always something one of my boys sees that doesn't come out till later in the year, but most of the time they are out by November. Actually, some of the really hot items may be unavail by Thanksgiving (tho that is not as typical as it used to be... Remeber Cabbage Patch Kids?).

Ugly things, aren't they?

I go out on Black Friday because I love crazy people!!! Believe me, if you want to see crazy people acting crazy then you need to go shopping when the doors open on Black Friday. Now, I don't mean the dangerous crazy like last year when the Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death. I'm talking about non-lethal nutbags.

I have a system that I typically follow of what store I wait in line at and then what order I go to the other stores. Since I really don't NEED anything I am in no hurry. (I have a routine I do about Black Friday shopping where I state I only go out to piss off the "real" shoppers) From time to time I break from my routine, if only to break the monotony. A few years ago I decided to go to the Wal-Mart that is open 24 hours just to see how that goes...

With the 24 hour Wal-Mart they simply put out skids of merchandise and wrap it with cello wrap and at the "start time" they cut the wrap and people go for it. Instead of a long line at the front door people group up around the items they want (or at least the most important item they want, unless they are idiots... ok, I was talking Wal-Mart, right?). I entered the store about and hour before the "big event" and was given a map of the sale items and their locations in the store. At the top of the paper I was handed was an actual map of the store with locations of sale items that were numbered. At the bottom was a numbered list of the items. Now, I would think anyone with any level of education (I'm including Kindergarten) would think that a map of this sort should have some form of logical flow or system to it. For example, the items at the bottom could be listed alphabetically or the numbers at the top could start in one spot and go in some order across or around the map... I could not find any rhyme or reason to this friggin' map! Hey, I tried... really hard!!!


After tossing the map aside, I wandered the store looking for something inexpensive of interest to me that I wouldn't mind picking up for one of my boys. I came across a skid stocked full of Star Wars lightsabers that were in the ad for $5. How could I go wrong with that? You can never have too many lightsabers... I actually have a Mace Windu replica that I don't even let the boys look at (I've thought about displaying it in my office). I counted the lightsabers on display; there were five or six boxes each containing ten lightsabers per box. I counted the number of people standing at the display with me; there were six of us total. I did the math in my head and decided that the likelyhood everyone there was going to grab ten or more lightsabers was minimal. I didn't care what color I got, as long as there was one for me I would be happy.

The clock was closing in on us and an employee came over to get ready to cut the wrap. I could sense the other shopper's ass cheeks clench from the looks in their eyes. I decided to just stand back and watch supply and demand unfold before my eyes. After what seemed like very slow last few minutes the employee started to cut. I don't believe he got as far as to cut a full inch off the wrap before the other five shoppers leapt at the skid (literally... a leap was the actual motion each of them made). There was wrap flying, arms flailing and I swear I heard grunts. In a flash it was over and the cling wrap flowed in the breeze as the other shoppers scurried to their next attack. I calmly looked to both my left and right and when I saw the coast was clear I took my time and picked a nice red lightsaber from the remaining fourty some that were left. I actually couldn't contain my chuckles as I strolled the store watching people act like they were gladiators battling vicious beasts for their very lives.


Why would I not want to experience this annual event? It is a joy of life that that brings us back to some of the most basic tribal urges... and it's funny as hell to watch!

I prefer to do my typical waiting in line outside the store for two or so hours. It is a lot of fun to talk to the people (ok, typically myself and one or two others spends the entire time joking with and/or making fun of the others in line). I've met some really interesting folks waiting in line on Black Friday. Below I've listed a few "helpful hints" for anyone wanting to try the Black Friday shopping experience. I know, it would have been helpful to publish this before Thanksgiving... piss off! I'm doing it early for next year.

1. Plan your day- Get the ads early online at BlackFriday.info or a similar website and map out what you are after at each store and what order you are going to hit the stores based on what items are most important to you.

2. Get there early, really early. Realize the coolest & best stuff (electronics are typically the hottest sellers) will all be gone in the first few minutes. A lot of stores even hand out "vouchers" for the hot items that are in limited supply to the first few people in line. If you are after the cheap laptop or the portable DVD player you had better be within the first ten or so people in line. In some areas that means you have to get in line in the evening (or even afternoon) of Thanksgiving day!

3. Bring a fold up chair. There is no shame in sitting down! It can be a long wait. I have seen people bring blankets to sit on, but I prefer my nice folding chair.

4. Dress warm. Even in the mildest of Novembers it is cold in the wee hours of the morning. I recommend two pairs of socks. FYI- you can never go wrong with a Columbia coat. I've seen girls wear skirts in line... but I've also seen girls put out for a Big Mac meal.

5. Don't care. This is probably the most important thing I can say. If it really matters if you get the special deal or not you are setting yourself up for a possible emotional crash really early in your day. Yeah, we would all love to get the $2 MP3 player, but don't set your self up so that if you miss out you need therapy till next Black Friday! It just isn't worth it.

I'm sure there are tons more advice I could give, but those are the basics. If you don't listen to me then you deserve to be cold and disappointed.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My "world famous" turkey call:


I will leave it at that for today... Have a safe and happy holiday!
See you in line about 4am tomorrow.

Veteran's Day

I want to first take a moment to say thank you to all my fellow veterans and current service men & women out there! No matter what branch of the military (and this is one of the few times I will do this, normally I will throw in some branch specific humor here) you serve or used to serve under. I want to take the opportunity of this day to make sure you know that I appreciate all you do and have done every day of the year!!! Note- every time anyone wakes up in this great country of ours they are able to do so in part due to you, whether they want to recognize or appreciate that fact or not.



Speaking of appreciating our men & women in uniform:
I saw this Associated Press article picked up on the CBS website (what was I doing there?) today and had to share it...

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(AP) MILWAUKEE (AP) - A Milwaukee Army reservist's military identification earned him some street cred Tuesday, when he says four men who mugged him at gunpoint returned his belongings and thanked him for his service after finding the ID.

The 21-year-old University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee student said he was walking home from work about 1:15 a.m. Tuesday when he was pulled into an alley and told to lay face down and with a gun to his neck. Four men took his wallet, $16, keys, his cell phone and even a PowerBar wrapper from his pants pockets, he said.

But the hostile tone quickly changed when one of the robbers, whom the reservist presumed was the leader, saw an Army ID in the wallet. The robber told the others to return the items and they put most of his belongings on the ground next to him, including the wrapper, the reservist said.

"The guy continued to say throughout the situation that he respects what I do and at one point he actually thanked me and he actually apologized," said the reservist, who asked not to be identified Tuesday because the robbers still had his keys.

The reservist said he asked the men, who all had hoods or hats covering their faces, if he could get up and they said he could before starting to walk away.

"The leader of the group actually walked back, gave me a quick fist bump, which was very strange," he said.

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Talk about a military discount!

Now, I could go into how this was a very bad business decision on the gang members part, or how they obviously were not stealing out of necessity if they could so easily give the items and cash back. No, I want to discuss the more important and obvious issue here... What the flying rat fuck were they going to do with a PowerBar wrapper!?!?

For that matter what was the reservist going to do with it? I would think something since he actually had it on him at the time of the robbery.

I'm trying to envision a scenario where it would seem logical to have a PowerBar wrapper on your person, or most any wrapper for that matter. I mean, this guy didn't just find a golden ticket to grant him access to Wonka's fantasy chocolate factory & a lifetime supply of candy treats. Did he sneak the PowerBar as a worktime snack at his place of employ, obviously void of any trash recepticles, slipping the evidence of his fireable offense into his pants to avoid yet another trip to the human resources office? Is he working on wallpapering his apartment with wrappers to then video himself electric shocking his genetalia while eating a PowerBar in hopes of a prize winning submission on Break.com? Maybe his pockets were filled with different wrappers and the PowerBar wrapper just happened to be the one that was stolen... and if so why would they take the PowerBar wrapper over let's say a KitKat wrapper or a Fast Break wrapper? How many wrappers could he have had on him... 50... 100? What kind of wrapper whores are we letting into our military? I think this is a much larger concern than sexual orientation.

So, what is the going rate on the black market for a PowerBar wrapper anyway? How much drugs would the muggers get in trade for it? Am I missing something here? Maybe the wrapper tastes better than the actual PowerBar itself (that wouldn't take much. I had a pizza a few years ago that would have tasted better if I had ate the box and thrown out the actual pie). I think I may have an aneurism trying to figure this out.

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Speaking of holidays, filmaker M. Moore is trying to get his latest movie out for release by December 25th. "Black Christmas" will be bashing Santa due to his discriminatory policy of leaving gifts for the nice boys & girls while leaving coal for the naughty. He shows how this is really a ploy by the oil companies and all those other evil people who work for a living and support the country and the U.S. economy.

I bet Moore could take "It's a Wonderful Life" and re-edit it so Mr. Potter was good big government and George Bailey was an evil freethinking personal property rights lobbyist and in the end the country was ruined due to George with the help of his corrupt right wing religious associate who was obviously more concerned with getting his own wings than anyone or anything else... Hell, I could re-edit it to do that. People need to realize that documentaries and other movies are presented, many times, with an agenda and what they portray are totaly subject to what the filmaker wants them to portray which is not always the truth & certainly hardly ever the whole truth.

Halloween, Alcohol & Pumpkin Carving

Halloween reminds me of a time a few years back when I had an employee whose wife came in the day after the holiday to inform me of why he wasn't going to be able to make it in. Apparently he GOT ARRESTED FOR DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE WHILE TAKING HIS CHILDREN TRICK-OR-TREATING!

What astounded me even more than the fact of his incarceration was the apparent lack of appology for his condition by his spouse. "He had ONLY just opened his second fourty ouncer." She informed me, somehow thinking I would then bow to the logic than at least somewhere under 80 ounces of malt liquor in such a short time span is perfectly acceptable when driving your young children around on a night where the streets are strewn with scampering lads & lasses, with often times dark clothing and mask impaired vision, unaware of the perils in store for them at the hands of an impaired driver.

It amazes me at times the pure selfish stupidity of people. I am all for scientific advancement in every field, but I do see why not all animals make it to spawn thru the process of natural selection. Not only did I fear for the helpless children crossing the street, or even on the sidewalk in this case, but I also had deep concerns for his own children. Exposing them not only to his stupidity and lack of judgement but to the obvious ignorance of why this is wrong on their mother's end.

I'm sure they did not explain to their children how the police were there to help and doing the right thing. Much less would I imagine these kids were told that Daddy made a mistake and is learning a good lesson. No, I'm sure our role models here made claims of faulty systems and wrongful prosecusion corrupting these impressionable minds with visions of fault in both our legal system (not to say there isn't faults) & the people they should be looking up to and going to if they actually need help someday.

I know a lot of people who go out and party on Halloween... there is nothing wrong with that, but do it AFTER you have taken the kids out for their fun for the night. (that is if you have children, obviously) Remember, when you decided to have a child you took on a responsibility that for ever more in your future dictates that you put your child's needs before your own. (ok, after they are a grown adult capable of taking care of themselves you do need to cut the apron strings, but I hope you get my point here)

Also, if you do decide to party simply be responsible about it. I believe the vast majority of people realize this holiday is all about the kids, they are everywhere darting about to and from every direction, and take extra precautions to ensure the safety of not only their own family, but everyone. The only person of whom it is acceptable to have a different viewpoint this holiday is Michael Meyers

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On the lighter side of things I was looking at some really cool pumpkin carvings and came across this

Nothing like a little fanatical Lucas worship to turn a common fruit into an art masterpiece!

There is a reason we only carve pumpkins once a year. It gives us about 11 months to forget how much work it is and how bad it sucks. About halfway thru scooping the friggin' thing you look at your pumpkin gut covered hand, arm, shirt & floor you think to yourself, "Why didn't I just jump on that psycho Pat Robertson's bandwagon of devils living in the candy and call the whole thing off?"

For the record, if you believe that the candy sold at Halloween time has been cursed with evil then you are sad, stupid, superstitious and should give me all your candy. (I'm especially fond of Reeses' Peanut Butter Cups) I am happy to take on the responsibility of allowing the demons to enter me thru some tasty treats so you don't have to suffer.

Once you have disemboweled the smelly thing you then can either use the traditional method of big knife & hope it at least even comes somewhere near looking like a face or the more modern template punching and scrape method. I really don't care what method you chose, I'm just happy if I walk away with the same number of fingers I started with. (which is why you should never carve pumkins in the nude. Trust me, it's better to lose a finger)

Happy Halloween!

Is it hypocritical?

Is it hypocritical that I enjoy holiday music and those old stop motion animation holiday specials from TV? I'm sitting here watching "The Year Without Santa Clause" as my 3 year old, Jett, fights sleep. Growing up this was my favorite one... The Miser brothers scared the crap out of me as a tike and I kept coming back for more asking my parents each year when it would be on. I would search TV Guide (remember when it was small enough for a child to hold it?) I'm older now... yet still find them a bit creepy.



I also love the song "Silver Bells" & my favorite holiday movie of all time is "It's a Wonderful Life"... That and "Harvey" are my two favorite Jimmy Stewart films. Both deal with fantasy on different levels. Both are equally enjoyable in their own way. You don't see many feel good movies near that caliber anymore... they are mostly done by Pixar now. Ok, I admit it... a tear came to my eye during "Finding Nemo"... blow me

Why is it that my 7 year old, Damien, falls asleep at the drop of a hat yet Jett fights it with his whole heart? He yawns... even starts to doze off. BOOM! All of a sudden he will pop up and start running in circles! That kid is nuts (must be mine... cancel the DNA testing). I think I'm losing my voice from telling him to lay his head down every couple minutes (then my family would be really happy).

Speaking of Damien, yesterday his school offered free swine flu vaccinations. That's right... SWINE FLU... I refuse to call it HBO1MNOP69, or whatever they named it! Calling it swine flu is not going to keep me from eating bacon... I'm not sure that if bacon became lethal it would stop me from eating it. Bacon rocks! Anyway, he got the shot (note-I mentioned it was FREE). I picked him up that day and he told me it went well, "stung for a second, but didn't really hurt." Good for him because unless they have a pill form I'm not getting it. Don't get me wrong... I'm all for vaccinations. People who don't get their children vaccinated or treated for their illnesses should listen to what Jim Henson has to say about that... Oh wait! He can't talk because he DIED since he didn't believe in using modern science to help him treat illness!!! Cute puppets, but a delsional dumbass! Hey, maybe Miss Piggy gave him swine flu, that bitch. No, my issue is not with some stone age belief of medicine being bad or anything like that. I'm scared shitless of needles!